It’s a decent day considering its been close to freezing the past five, so I decided to take a trip down to the Cultural education center also known as the New York State Museum. The five story building is comprised mostly of marble (like the majority of the rest of the Empire State Plaza) and stone. I’m just standing outside admiring tits architecture for a little while, and although it seems as it doesn’t really get attention it has almost a quiet 750,000 visitors a year.
before to be honest. I was always with a group or some sort of organization. I begin to walk in to the Metropolis section of the museum which is a dedication to the downstate area mainly New York City. There’s an actual train car from the 1960’s at the edge of the exhibit right next to the 9/11 area. On the wall in front of the train is a picture of what a train in the station actually looks like when it’s about to head into the tunnel. My first question is how in the hell did they get this thing in here. The train is sitting on tracks and everything with the platform included and a third rail
Inside in the fist half of the car is these real life wax figures (which sometimes scare me because they tend to “stare” at me). There is a figure of a motor man in the front with his head out of the window. Outside there is also an old turnstile(which I lost two quarter to when I was 12 years old thinking I was going too get it back)

I then decided to move on to my last exhibit which was the Native American exhibit. There is a Long House with beds (which aren’t really meant be sat on but people do it anyway) and you can go inside and there is an actual set up of what their lives were possibly like it includes wax figures and all (once again they look as if they are staring at you). Once you walk in a story starts to play (which is kind of creepy as well) about the little family inside. When I laid on the bed and my first thought was this had to be the most uncomfortable part of their lives. They mind as well had slept on solid rock.
Then I finally get to have a chat with the guards before I leave. They tell me how in order to build the museum, as well as the plaza, 6,000 people had to be forced out of their homes. Picture in all that space that the plaza takes up as well as its ramps to the highway how many homes were there. Most people were forced out by eminent domain. I actually found out that on the site was one of the former schools that merged to make my high school today. The museum has so much to offer and to see and the best part of it that it was all free of charge. So whenever you want to go there it’s a ten minute bus ride. It was surely a history lesson for me that I will defiantly want to look more into.
By Chris Bryant





Chris,
Did you do an interview with someone? I guess that is what I would like to see in your second draft. I would also like to see pictures of the exibits you are talking about. Good job though.
-Cait
Chris, hopefully you can more information out of the guard. I think the most interesting part is how it used to be housing before the museum was built. You are good in your writing. The structure would be better if you had pictures. I would just suggest looking it over and seeing if there was anything else to add but besides that, it needs nothing.
-Wil
I thought the part about the NYC exibit was interesting. I want to know more about the other exibits they have, and what kind of people you saw there at the museum. I would have liked to see pictures, but I know sometimes museums don’t alloow them. I think you arranged it good from being outside to leaving, it seemed to make sense. Maybe just try to get pictures, but you did a great job!
-Val
I’m slightly confused”I’m just standing outside admiring tits architecture for a little while,” Did you mean to say its? I hope so. But aside from this I think pictures would help you a lot. If you got an interview with somebody I think that would really strengthen your piece. I would like to see pictures of the exhibits and the architecture. I think you talking about the exhibits was one of the most interesting parts. I think that pictures would help break up the reading as well.
Jake
The most interesting part of this draft is definitely where you said how vulnerable anything can be in the right circumstances, it’s so true. I want to know more about the whole venture of removing 6000 people from there homes, and having a museum as the justification for that. I think your arrangement was similar to ours, you were explaining your day as it went, sort of like a list of events. The only things I would suggest are things like posting more pictures, and more information that is specific to those pictures. Also, you had a long body paragraph, try breaking it up and indenting some points and what not.
You did a really good job, were you able to take any pictures of the place? it would be really interesting to see what it looks like. How did the place feel? it sounds like it really brings out different emotions with each site that you go to see.
-Emily
I would have liked to hear you interview someone and get some pictures. I think you should break up the paragraphs, but other than that I really liked it. I love how your voice is so clear in this piece. I really think you need an interview or two. I really want to go to the museum now. Thanks.
I liked your description of the outside of the museum. I can really picture it in my head.
I think it would be useful to add in some quotes from someone you interviewed (I remember you saying you talked with a security guard). You could add in what he looked like, and some specific things he said.
Pictures would make the draft more appealing to the reader.
I’d like to know more about the kinds of people you see at the museum and how you feel about the museum.
Aerica
I think an interview would be great for your writing. To get more of an insiders perspective on the place. Pictures would also be a great addition since you are in a museum and there are a lot of statues and art work to take pictures of.
I found it interesting when you talked about all the different exhibits you got to see while being in the museum. I’d like to hear more from an insider of this place, either with another person or more about the security guard. And some pictures would be nice too!
Chris,
Lots of good stuff here, but too much of this second draft is exactly like the first draft. Remember that there were specific guidelines and requirements for this draft (none of which are here in yours). Check here for those:
http://firstyearwriting.wordpress.com/2009/10/23/place-profile-draft-2/
I like how you take readers with you into this space. You can definitely adopt a conversational and friendly voice (as you do), but make sure to proofread! In fact, that same embarassing typo you showed me is here in this draft too.
In addition to proofreading, focus on making your paragraphs shorter and leaving white space between them. Online writing requires shorter sections of text interspersed with images.
Megan
Chris, I like how you used “I” throughout your 2nd draft constantly and the description of each of the exhibits you visited but it would be better if you took pictures of the museum and the objects you mentioned in this piece. Also try interviewing the guards who might have a ton of information on the place and then more direct quotes. Another thing would be to make the 2nd paragraph shorter (lets see how about a short sweet paragraph for each exhibit, the beginning and end was good). What I found interesting was the information you attained form your observations and I felt like I was there for the most part, well done!
Arbana